Assertiveness
Learning the art of
assertiveness is an important factor for all individuals, but for those
living with chronic illness it is absolutely essential. Many of
us are uncomfortable with asserting ourselves and not sure how to go
about it. Our society is not good at teaching us how to do this
and not very comfortable with assertive people and thus we have a lot
of misunderstanding and conflict among relationships as people tend to
go from one extreme to the other by being either aggressive or a quiet
little mouse. The key is to find a happy medium.
When living with chronic illness there will be many experiences which
call for assertiveness. For some, our survival depends on it when
dealing with friends, family, health care providers, hospitals, social
service agencies, pharmacists etc. in regard to needs surrounding
illness. Expressing ourselves, asserting ourselves and getting
our needs met is essential to our mental/physical/spiritual
health. If we don’t practice assertiveness, then we stuff our
feeling, or ignore them or push them aside, which can lead to many
problems. When we don’t engage in assertive behavior, we are
being disrespectful to ourselves. If we are disrespectful to
ourselves, it will degrade our self-confidence, self-esteem and
self-image. We won’t feel good about ourselves and it will affect
our health.
Non-assertive behavior can make us more achy, lethargic or nausea and
it can even weaken our immune system and make it more difficult to
heal. The mind and the body are an intricate, delicate web of
intertwined connections, which have a profound impact on one
another. If we feel good about ourselves, it improves our level
of functioning, makes us more receptive to treatments, improves our
mood and outlook on life and improves our over all level of well
being.
Being non-assertive is a learned behavior of holding back your feelings
and denying their expression. We are taught by society rules
beginning at a very young age not to express our feelings with messages
such as:
“don’t talk back “
“don’t question authority”
“do as I say”
Being non-assertive can be exhibited by two extremes. On one end
there is being passive by holding back your feelings and not expressing
them and on the other end is aggression at the expense of others.
Some people can swing like a pendulum between passivity and aggression.
Lack of assertiveness can make us feel powerless and cause feelings of
depression, low self-esteem and helplessness, and so can living with a
chronic illness. Therefore, by engaging in assertive behavior it
can help us regain some of our power and boost self-esteem.
Since non-assertive behavior is learned it can be unlearned and be
replaced with assertive behavior. Initially the new behavior may
feel unnatural or uncomfortable, but with practice eventually it will
become a comfortable part of who you are.
Assertiveness is a learned ability to express your needs, preferences,
opinions, and feelings without stepping on others rights.
Assertiveness is direct and informs. It is honest and respectful
to all parties.
Steps for Developing Assertiveness
1. Watch your behavior and keep track of when you’re not assertive and
how this makes you feel.
2. Set realistic goals for yourself. Start out with baby steps
and low risks and gradually move towards more difficulty situations.
Example: If you are very intimated by your mother in law,
she would not be a good place to start practicing your
assertiveness. Start small with someone who feels safe for you.
3. When expressing yourself talk about what a person does and not
who or what they are. (Focus on their actions, not their
personality or character.
Example: Say “When you don’t listen to me I feel like I’m not
important.”
Not “ you are such a jerk, you don’t care about me at all”
4. Talk about particular observations of behavior, don’t make
assumptions about a person’s motivations or thoughts.
Example: Say “ It sounds like you are very angry”
Not “I know you are angry,”
5. Try to be neutral and non-judgmental. Don’t attack.
Example: Say “It would be very helpful if you could contribute
more to keeping the house clean”
Not “You are such a slob.”
6. Try to express yourself when the situation occurs and not let
yourself stew about it and don’t let a long list of complaints build up
before expressing.
7. Try not to overload the person with more than can be absorbed at one
time.
8. Try to avoid generalizing statements such as “you always……” or
“you never…….”
9. Focus on the specific behavior on hand
Example: “I need more intimacy in our relationship”
not “you are never intimate with me”
10. Timing is very important. Try to express yourself when the
listener will be receptive.
Use I statements instead of “you” statements
11. If the other person does not hear you, be persistent. Calmly
repeat your expression over and over until you are heard.
12. Don’t call names, accuse or put the other person down.
13. Be clear, specific and direct with assertiveness statements.
14. Confront diversion tactics when necessary.
15. Express your anger in a healthy way.
Example:
“I get very mad when you do that”
“I am very angry”
“I am furious”
not “”you are a F----- A--- or “You are such a jerk”
Basic Assertiveness Pattern
1. Describe the person’s behavior
2. Express how you feel about it
3. Identify changes you would like
Example:
I feel______________ when you ___________ and I would like
_________ to happen.
Keep in mind that if this is a new behavior for you that people around
you may not like it. They will be used to the old you and the old
way you interact and may respond to your new found assertiveness with
resistance, anger, or manipulation.
They may try to manipulate you back to your old ways of
interacting. Some people are very uncomfortable with
someone who is honest, up front and expressive and again you may be met
with resistance, rejection, anger, or manipulation.
Don’t let this inhibit you. Do what you need to do for yourself.
Some information on this web site has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.
The information on this web site or in emails is designed for educational purposes only and should not
be taken as professional medical advice. I am not a medical doctor and this information is not intended to
diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. With all medical conditions consult a qualified medical professional.
Web site and all
contents
© Copyright Cynthia
Perkins
2007, All rights reserved.
