This past June I had a friend, Jean Hixson, take her own life. In addition to her death, one of the things I felt the saddest about when I read what was in the newspapers was that they presented Jean as someone who hadn’t really suffered and had just given up on life quite easily and that is really far from the truth. It was clear that her situation was not understood at all. Frankly, I felt it came across somewhat disrespectful and that Jean deserved better than this.

You can click here if you would like to read one of the newspaper articles I am referring to.

At the time, I immediately felt compelled to write about this, but I held off because I wasn’t sure I wanted to approach such a controversial topic publicly. However it’s been almost two months now and thoughts of the misrepresentation of Jean and her plight are still weighing heavy on my heart, so I really feel the need to honor my friend by saying a few words I hope will help people understand her actions a little better and perhaps the actions of others you may know who end up in the same position.

I first met Jean Hixson about nine years ago. At the time, she already owned the book called The Final Exit, a book about the right to die and methods of self-deliverance for those living with intolerable circumstances, that is published by the Final Exit Network. She gave it to me to read. So we can safely assume that this was something she had been thinking about for a very long time.

We both had severe and disabling health conditions that caused us immense suffering on a daily basis and challenges in meeting the basic needs of our life that most people take for granted. It’s hard for other people who have never had this experience to understand this kind of thinking, but if you’ve ever lived with a debilitating health condition that presents you with endless suffering and often results in unbearable circumstances that have no solutions, suicide is something you think about from time to time. Despite how unfortunate and sad it sounds, and actually is, it is a natural and human response to severe distress.

As long as it doesn’t move into the action stages, thoughts of suicide are a healthy coping mechanism for many people living with a debilitating chronic health condition. If they know there is a way out of the suffering if they truly want it, then it enables them to continue to go on living. Having a fantasy back up plan allows them to stay in the present and endure. Reading a book like the Final Exit allows you to know there are other options down the road in case you need them, even if you never plan on acting on them. It provides comfort.

So suicide was a topic that Jean and I talked about several times over the years. Neither one of us were planning our demise. Neither one of us ever wanted it to come to that point – we desperately hoped it never would. Neither one of us wanted to die, but we talked about the “what if’s.”

“What if the pain and suffering become too much to handle?”

“What if we run out of options and solutions?”

“What if we simply can’t take it anymore?”

“What if the joy in life no longer outweighs the suffering?”

“What if I become too debilitated to take care of myself?”

We talked about how awful it would be if we ever had to make such a decision, we talked about how horrible it would be for family members to deal with and questioned what would be the best way to protect them. Jean had nieces and nephews that meant the world to her and she never wanted to cause them any trauma or suffering. They were her primary reason for living. Any discussions or thoughts we had of suicide were theoretical and put on the back burner as “a last resort” if it ever came to that.

At the time Jean lived with MCS, also known as multiple chemical sensitivity, she also had a rare form of blood cancer, chronic problems with colon functioning and a nerve disorder. She was in pain on a daily basis that often kept her up all night and she often had symptoms that made her fear for her life, as well as many other challenges with day to day living that others cannot possibly conceive. On top of that, MCS is an invisible chronic illness that most family and friends fail to understand or see the seriousness of how much suffering one endures, so those living with MCS often experience a lack of support, compassion and understanding for their condition and often feel isolated and so did Jean. She told me that she tried repeatedly to get her family to understand what she was going through and support her, but they didn’t hear her. It was a source of great heartache for her. Just one of these conditions is enough to make someone question their purpose in life, but put all these together and you have a recipe that really grates on the quality of life.

However, Jean was a fighter. She fought long and hard to regain some level of health. She had run up a large collection of medical bills that she struggled to pay by trying numerous treatment options. She traveled all over the state, and several neighboring states, talking to this expert and that expert, trying this method and that method. Nothing worked. Even still, she held on and tried to make the best of the life she had and continued to have a giving heart. She had been through all kinds of hell before I met her and even more after I met her, and I admired her determination to trudge onward, because it was the same way I approached the situation.

I moved out of Jean’s state six years ago, and as sometimes happens with time and distance, my friendship with Jean diminished over the years to an occasional phone call to catch up on recent events, so I had not talked to Jean in several months when I got the news of her death. We had last talked around the holiday season and she had shared with me that she had just been through quite a harrowing ordeal with MCS and that a complication had developed in response to an environmental toxin. She now developed a frightening respiratory condition on top of everything else.

She shared that she was worried what would become of her, but most of us with MCS go through these situations from time to time, so I didn’t see it as anything alarming. I was unaware that the occasional pondering of suicide we had mulled over in the past had apparently moved from the “what if’s” stage to the “action” stage and I was unaware that she had apparently contacted the Final Exit Network. So I was deeply saddened to hear of her suicide and completely taken by surprise. I never really thought it was something either one of us would actually do and just couldn’t believe it had happened. I felt like I was kicked in the gut and I still struggle to wrap my brain around it.

Based on our conversations in the past, what I do know for sure is that this was not a decision that Jean ever wanted to have to make, it must have been something she felt she had to do. Jean was of sound mind and a very intelligent, responsible woman, so the fact that she made this decision tells me that it must have reached the point of no return for her and she apparently couldn’t take it anymore. She must have felt that she was against the wall and ran out of options.

I also feel certain that the Final Exit Network did not pressure or rush her into anything, like some people in her town are thinking. As I said, Jean was an intelligent, responsible and informed woman, not easily pressured and quite capable of making her own decisions. She was a stickler for researching and investigating options and never made a decision about anything without thoughtful analysis and weighing it out thoroughly. Since we know she already owned the Final Exit book for more than nine years, this tells us it certainly wasn’t a hasty decision.

Yes, it is easy for us to judge her, question her level of suffering and disagree with her conclusions. I can’t say that I totally agree, but I do understand. One of the reasons I failed to recognize that Jean’s situation had become more serious and was so shocked by her actions, is because in my head I was thinking, “well I live with a lot more suffering than that and I’m still hanging on, so she’ll be okay.” This taught me that we can’t judge the impact that someone’s suffering has on their life by our own. Each of us has a different threshold for what we’re capable of or willing to endure.

I struggle with guilt for not realizing how bad it had become for her, for not calling to check on her, and that she apparently was in need and I was not there for her. So I am grateful that the Final Exit Network was there to counsel her during a time that must have been the most difficult time of her life and the most difficult decision she had ever made. I often find myself thinking about how she must have felt that fateful day. I wonder if she was scared or lonely, was she crying or stoic, was she celebrating or grieving, and what kind of thoughts go through your head when engaging in such a final act.

I wish she had tried a few more options and held on a little longer. I wish she had reached out, but taking into account all that I have shared with you here and all that I knew about Jean, I trust that Jean made the decision that she must have believed whole heartedly was responsible and the best option for herself and I must respect that.

I want people to know that Jean Hixson was a fighter. She very much wanted to live, but life fought against her. She fought a long, hard and valiant battle. She must have grown too tired and weak to continue the fight.

So I say good-bye to my friend and try to take comfort in knowing that she is no longer suffering and she must have been certain that this is what she wanted for herself, or otherwise it wouldn’t have come to this point.

I thank her for touching my life and I appreciate the time we shared together.