A common problem among people with chronic illness, especially women,
is a loss of their desire for sex. A frequent complaint from
their partner is that their lover no longer wants sex. It can sometimes
be the other way around, but this is the scenario I hear most often.
This creates a lot of strain and can erode the quality of the
relationship and obliterate intimacy, which can sometimes lead to
infidelity. The ill partner would probably be shocked to learn
that their partner who is a good, decent, loving, and supportive person
in most ways would do such a thing and never suspects, because there is
not honest communication about this problem. At the very least the
healthy partner may experience feelings of resentment, rejection and
lack of satisfaction with the relationship.
These things occur when couples are not able to be honest with one
another and talk about what they really need. Sex is a basic need
and an important part of who we are both as an individual and as a
couple. We are all sexual beings; being sexual is part of being a
whole and healthy person. Yes, there may be times during a
temporary crises, such as a time when symptoms flare or a period of
necessary separation that we can expect our partner to go without sex
for a period of time, but to expect our partner to go for years without
some kind of sex life is not only unrealistic, but unhealthy as well.
Honest communication is essential. Communicate with your partner
and encourage your partner to communicate with you. Your partner
may be afraid to burden you or hurt your feelings by talking about
their sexual needs. Your partner may be afraid because they may
feel selfish for having needs when you are sick. They may
be afraid they will hurt you or exacerbate your symptoms. They
may belittle and minimize their own need for sex because they don’t
want you to feel guilty. They may pretend that sex is not
important to them to make you feel better. Encourage your partner
to talk you about it honestly. Yes, you may have some hurt
feelings, but ultimately your relationship will grow stronger.
Sex is just as important as any other need and should not be ignored or
neglected. Don’t deny sexual feelings or repress sexuality
because it is difficult or uncomfortable to deal with. Deal
directly with the impact the illness has on your sexual relationship.
Don't try and candy coat it to protect one another's feelings. Talk
about it openly, work it out and find alternatives that are
satisfactory for both of you.
When you live with a chronic illness it is easy to become completely
focused on your own needs and neglect the needs of your
partner. Even the partner may be a willing
participant in pushing their needs aside, because they feel bad that
you are sick. The partner’s needs must be acknowledged and met as
well.
Maintaining your sexual relationship is not just about taking care of
your partner, it is also about taking care of yourself.
Even if you are without a partner, nurturing your sexuality is still
vitally important and there are many ways you can keep your sexuality
alive and healthy.
Sex does not mean you have to have intercourse; it encompasses a great
deal more than that. So if intercourse is not possible or
desirable for you, it is still possible to be a healthy sexual being
and enjoy your sexuality to the fullest. Try different positions
if one is painful; try different kinds of sex if one form is not
possible. If you can’t have intercourse then try anal, manual or
oral. You can masturbate your lover or masturbate for them.
Try different times of the day. Perhaps you have one time of the
day when you feel better than other times of the day. Maybe in the
morning or evening or before you eat. Perhaps you need to
schedule your sex in that time period that you feel better. You
can lay close with your lover and coach them along with hot, sexy talk
while they masturbate themselves. If you need to be away from
your partner for a period of time you can have phone sex, by touching
yourself and describing in detail what you are doing or describing in
detail what you would do to your partner if they were with you.
If you have drifted apart from one another and are having trouble
reconnecting sexually, then begin treating each other as you did when
you first met. Woo and court one another. Treat each other
special. Romance one another. Write yourself or your lover
an erotic, sexy or romantic story. Use words that are arousing to
you. Use non-sexual intimacy and closeness to build up
passion. Cuddle, massage, touch and explore each others body
while having deep intimate conversations. Set the mood with a
shower together or by lying naked in one another’s arms.
If you have lost touch with your sexuality, either with partner or
without, you can reconnect by spending time alone making love with
yourself. Rediscover your erogenous zones. Touch, massage,
and stimulate your body. Find other areas of your body besides
the genitals that are erogenous, such as your neck, feet, ears, legs or
thighs and focus on the sexual energy in those parts. Use all
your senses. Spend the day naked in your house or at least a few
hours. Get naked outside. Being naked outside can elicit
great passion and unleash inhibitions as it gets us in touch with our
primal spirit. Have a love affair with nature. Take a long
soothing bath with some soft music and wash yourself very
sensuously. Let the shower titillate you and bring you to
orgasm. Don’t wear any bra or panties; you will be amazed at how
sexy and aroused this will make you feel. Tell your lover your
not wearing any and it will drive him wild.
Sometimes there can be something physical causing a lack of desire in
sex. Seek counsel from a holistic physician. Testosterone
in both males and females is the hormone responsible for our sexual
drive. Sometimes a low level of testosterone in women can be the
culprit. A malfunctioning thyroid may also cause a loss of desire.
Not only is sex an important part of who we are and of our
relationship, but it can also benefit your illness. Sex is a great pain
reliever, because of the endorphins released when orgasm occurs. The
exchange of energy when being sexually intimate can also provide pain
relief. By becoming completely absorbed in the moment and the act
of lovemaking you can temporarily transcend your pain and
symptoms. The act of sex can divert your attention away from your
pain and symptoms.
Sex is one of the most beautiful, spiritual, life affirming experiences
we can have. With a little effort you can reawaken your sexual
self and deepen your relationship with yourself and your partner.
Return from sex and chronic illness back to sexual health
